My Blog

a plunge of fate

i’ve dived deeper and deeper into the unknown
oh wondrous invisible wings feed my heart of stone
head first, arms flood open, feet ever loyal
knowledge of weight in this fleeting state
endless pit of rocks unrecognizable
collisions that deem to be undeniable
bleeding face of fury still engulf a smile
as the wind brushes my face mile by mile

so long this height of an ever unknowing site
garments fall off leading light to what is right
as bits and pieces are torn and fall
my weight’s not so heavy, not so heavy at all

as this vertigo takes over my being
a desire to fall, to fall without seeing
redundant memories of walks come back to mind
incomparable to this feat i had to find!

wings invisible with spoons of meaning
my mouth ever ready to devour every feeding
give birth not to feet and not to body
but wings to a soul, a soul i embody!

oh wondrous flight of impossible dreams
thy passion leads to the end of streams
as my face is bleeding in its howling glory
these rocks have a purpose, i need not worry

deeper and deeper into the unknown
my soul without garments, the wind is blown
and in this falling state with its destination hiding
i divulge a life of deepest and truest meaning

-april 4, 2008; 9:37 am

my fingers, dead as the night.

i stare at my fingers, dead as the night
nothing is worse than thoughts fleeing the mind
as often as i tell myself not to listen
endless cats keep biting off my skin that glistens

anchors weighing me down to the bottom of the sea
my heart so small, indescribably so heavy
close my eyes to picture a world so different
as i open them again, i feel the opposing currents

in this undeniable state of weight
a sudden gush of knowledge dictates
banish the ears, stay deaf to the cats
cats locked away in endless flats

i breathe one deep breath as i open my eyes
from the endless sight of darkness as cold as ice
i can feel the claws cutting through my skin now
as i stare at my fingers, dead as the night.

all i see, see before me,
is this vast open sea.
unknown to me.
unknown.
what lies ahead of me.
i yearn to see;
to see a string of
certainty.
but no. all i see,
all i see before me
is this vast open
sea.

*** A poem I wrote about a month ago **

When life turns slow
I find the
time to look inside
And see what has become of me

With tears in my
eyes
I stumble into the truth
That nothing really lies within

What
has these years brought to me
But pain and misery
Nothing’s there,
nothing,
but pain and misery

When time takes time
to unfold itself
I try to feel my heart
Just to
see what lies inside

With tears in my eyes
I stumble into the truth
again
That nothing really lies within

What has these years brought to
me
But pain and misery
Nothing’s there, nothing, but pain and
misery

So young was I
When I first found out
That hearts could
bleed so hard

My mother walked away from me
Her life first, Before ours.

My father
was just a ghost
His love I never felt

They both were never
there
Just characters I would dream of

I look inside
To see what
has
Become of this
unloved little girl

With tears in my eyes
I stumble into the truth
That nothing really lies
within

What has these years brought to me
But pain and
misery
Nothing’s there, nothing, but pain and misery

I thought that
life could take a turn
When I would find my own way

But I was
wrong
Was so wrong
It all was just the same

I was grown up
When
I proved I was right
Hearts could bleed so hard

I gave it away, gave
it away
In hope that it would be kept safe

He told me he would keep it safe
He said his love was true
But then three
years came to pass
He also made it blue

I said well yes, I’ll find one
who’ll
Keep it safe this time
But then another stole it away
And threw
it just the same

And now I look within myself
To see who I have
become
What lies within?

Who am I now?
A little girl
unloved
Have I changed?

Love has come knocking on my door
Another thief of my heart
He tells me
he’ll keep it safe this time
And change the fears within

And as I
listen
To his words
I pray to God he’s right

Am I just
wrong?
Wrong to hope for what could be
The biggest change of my
life

As I see my life unfold
My life’s question still remains the
same

Will it always be,
Will it always be
About pain and misery?

I’m not ashamed to admit that Walt Disney’s newest fairy tale was a fun and uplifting movie to watch. Although it is filled with the staple list of childish characters like the dashing prince, the evil stepmother, the annoying yet helpful chipmunk and other animals, the other woman, and of course the damsel in distress, it still had a dash of reality that came with it. It’s a story typical of any fairy tale. The evil stepmother is out there to kill Giselle for fear of her throne being taken away from her when her step son Prince Edward marries Giselle. Before even getting the chance to say I do to Prince Edward, Giselle is tricked by the evil queen and sent to a place where happily-ever-after does not exist: New York. She meets a divorce lawyer with one daughter. He is your typical heartbroken and cynical New Yorker. While she stays with the father and daughter tandem, she waits and hopes that Prince Edward will find her. He did, but it was too late. In the end, Giselle (a.k.a the damsel in distress) found her heart beating for the man who wasn’t so perfect at all, Robert. First off, he didn’t know how to sing (no Walt Disney prince has ever failed to render songs for his princess). Secondly, he was divorced and he has a daughter. And most importantly, he didn’t believe in love as much as Giselle does. His ex-wife left his heart broken and he had been cynical about love since then. On the other hand, Giselle believed in happily ever afters. She believed in singing about everything (lol!). She believed that love was the answer to all. They both learned from each other. Because of Robert, Giselle learned how to be ‘angy’ ( a term she had no idea about!). Robert found himself hopeful and optimistic once again. They ended up together. Yes, some may choose to say, they ended up happily ever after. But I would there rather believe that they ended up together, sometimes happy and sometimes not. And that’s our own version of happily ever after in the real world.

I enjoyed the movie because it reminded me a
lot of things. For one, it reminded me that life doesn’t have one path alone.
Sometimes, you find yourself falling into an unplanned situation yet finding
yourself in complete awe because you realize it is exactly where you are
supposed to be. Giselle never planned to fall in love with Robert. She was
waiting for the perfect Prince Edward, the man whom she only had a day with. But
life isn’t like that. And love is certainly not like that. Life and love bring
you unexpected experiences which push you to grow. Sometimes you end up falling
for someone who you had no idea about three, four, hell even ten years ago. He
suddenly shows up and makes you realize what you want in a man and why you
haven’t found one to say ‘I do’ to. Secondly, the movie pointed out one
important fact to me. In every love story, there will be some people or
situations who or which will be in the way. In the movie, there were a lot: the
evil stepmother, the peasant who was in love with the stepmother, and Robert’s
steady girlfriend. Despite them and all of their manipulative and scheming ways,
Robert and Giselle still ended up together. It’s funny because in a way, this
parallels any realistic love story. There will always be people who would do
anything just to keep you and your man apart. These people will manipulate and
strategize every single act of theirs just to make sure they continue to build
this gigantic wall between you two. But then the truth of the matter is they
actually surprisingly act as eye openers. They make these two people realize
what they have in their hands. If they still end up fighting and struggling
against all odds, this is what is called true love. It is holding on when
everyone around you who matters or even those don’t tell you to let go. Lucky
are those who find this kind of love. I’m fortunate to have found mine. Thirdly,
it just made me smile. All the production numbers, the cute characters, the
lovely daughter, the witty lines, and the enchanting love story just melted my
heart. It is so uplifting to sit for an hour to celebrate optimism in me and in
others.

It’s not so bad to believe in
happily-ever-afters. We just have to make sure to anchor it with reality. We
have one for all of us in its own twisted way. The only difference is in the
real world it takes time and it takes more than just singing, dancing, fighting
with swords, and parading to end up there. It takes a whole lot of strength,
faith, and definitely patience.

Last night, I was happily surfing through channels when I saw Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack. Serendipity was showing on the Lifestyle channel.It was right smack in the middle of their first so-called date (if you can call it that-just basically their first time to meet). From that scene on, I was mesmerized by the movie. I ended up right in front of the TV, watching until the very last scene. It brought out the romantic side of me. Here were two people who only met once but both firmly believed that if they were meant be with each other, the universe would find ways to lead them back to each other. Years passed and nothing happened. They found other people and lived their respective lives. Kate’s boyfriend proposed to her. John was already about to get married. One fact remained: both of them had no peace of mind. Like John said in the movie, "Haley (his wife-to-be) is like Godfather 2. No matter how good the movie is, you still have to watch Godfather (the first one) to understand and fully appreciate Godfather 2." He could not stop thinking about her. She could not stop thinking about him. Signs were popping up everywhere without them realizing it. They were in search of the concrete and obvious signs they sent out a few years back-the 5 dollar bill with John’s name and number on it and the book Love in The Time of Cholera (1st edition) with Kate’s name and number on it, and black gloves-one with Kate, the other with John. They both put all their plans with their respective partners on a halt just to go out there to search for answers. Kate travels to New York. John searches for her last name. They go through so much just to find each other but still nothing happened. John didn’t find her last name. Kate didn’t find him. It reached a point where they just gave up thinking that not finding each other, the book, or the 5 dollar bill was a sign itself, a sign telling them that they weren’t meant to be with each other. John goes back to his wife-to-be, already decided that he was going to give up his search. Then his wife-to-be, Haley, hands him her wedding gift. John couldn’t help but be teary-eyed when he opened it and saw in his hands the book "Love in The Time of Cholera." As his jaw dropped, he turned to the first page and there it was, Kate’s full name! On the other hand, Kate gives up and rides a plane to head back to her life. As she was about to buy a headset from a flight attendant, she grabs a 5 dollar bill from her bestfriend’s wallet (the wallet she accidentally brought with her), and there she saw John’s name and number written at the back. She hurriedly gets off the plane. I could go on and on about what happened after but I don’t want to be that boring. In the end, they both find themselves in the same skating rink where they spent the night together a few years back. Finally, after years of not seeing or finding each other, not knowing anything about each other except each other’s faces and first names, they found a way back to each other once again. John was lying down on the rink when the other half of a black glove fell on his chest. He stood up and turned around. Kate was there standing in front of him. Both of them were crying and ever so grateful to have been given the chance to still find each other. Of course, by that time, I was already crying my eyes out.

It’s just magical how people can believe in something so passionately. It’s even
more magical when it proves to be right in the end. Our world seems to be so
mundane, practical, and logical at times. Stories like this remind me that
there’s still magic out there. While other people have given up hope in
believing these kinds of stories, I’m still one of those faithful prophets. I
will never settle for anything but mad, passionate, extraordinary,
cant-live-without-you kind of love. Nothing can be ever be as beautiful, no
matter how painful the path towards it may be. It’s all worth it in the
end.

Anyway, here are the songs from the movie that really make me
smile:

LIKE LOVERS DO

There is a paradise that
can be found
A better life to bring us round
And all we really need to
do
Is see the world like lovers do

I want to take it easy, take it
slow
To catch a fire and let it go
I want to give myself to you
So we
can live like lovers do

Like lovers do, I want to feel that way
Like
lovers do, they lose themselves for days
And I need to feel that
way

I can hear you thinking what I feel
I know that what weve
got is real
And all we need to get us through
Is just to
live like lovers do

Like lovers do, I want to feel that way
Like
lovers do, they lose themselves for days
And I need to feel, I need to feel
that way
Give me strength to give myself to you
Like lovers, lovers
do

NORTHERN SKY

I never felt magic crazy as this
I
never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm
of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you’re
here
Brighten my northern sky

I’ve been a long time that I’m
waiting
Been a long time that I’m blown
I’ve been a long time that I’ve
wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you
could
Straighten my new mind’s eye

Would you love me for my
money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the
winter
Would you love me ‘til I’m dead
Oh, if you would and you
could
Come blow your horn on high

I never felt magic crazy as
this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in
the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now
you’re here

Brighten my northern sky

TIME HAS TOLD ME

Time has told me
You’re a rare rare
find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.

And time has told
me
Not to ask for more
Someday our ocean
Will find its shore.

So
I`ll leave the ways that are making me be
What I really don’t want to
be
Leave the ways that are making me love
What I really don’t want to
love.

Time has told me
You came with the dawn
A soul with no
footprint
A rose with no thorn.

Your tears they tell me
There’s
really no way
Of ending your troubles
With things you can say.

And
time will tell you
To stay by my side
To keep on trying
’til there’s no
more to hide.

So leave the ways that are making you be
What you really
don’t want to be
Leave the ways that are making you love
What you really
don’t want to love.

Time has told me
You’re a rare rare find
A
troubled cure
For a troubled mind.

And time has told me
Not to ask
for more
For some day our ocean
will find its shore

"THE DISTANCE"

The sky has lost it’s color
The sun
has turned to grey
At least that’s how it feels to me
Whenever you’re
away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one
brings me closer to
The time you’re comin’ back

I can’t take the
distance
I can’t take the miles
I can’t take the time until I next see you
smile
I can’t take the distance
And I’m not ashamed
That with every
breath I take I’m callin your name

But I can’t take the distance

I
still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe
you’re close to me
But it ain’t close enough
Not nearly close
enough

I can’t take the distance
I can’t take the miles
I can’t
take the time until I next see you smile
I can’t take the distance
And I’m
not ashamed
That with every breath I take I’m callin your name

I brave
fire and I brave rain
To be by your side I’d do anything
I can’t take the
distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That’s how much
you mean to me

‘Cause I can’t take the distance
I can’t take these
miles
I can’t take the time until I next see you smile
I can’t take the
distance
And I’m not ashamed
That with every breath I take I’m calling
your name
I can’t take the distance

It’s hard to remember
As long
as you’re away
When I find solace
There’s only one way

WHEN YOU KNOW

And it’s time you come in from the cold.

Haaa…
And you know that you know.

we started the day with a poetry reading session. it was moving; the trainees
were able to bring beautiful poems from remarkable poets. this one,though, is my
favorite. one of my trainees shared this. i have great respect for this poet.
this is my favorite poem of his.

Saddest Poem

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The
night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the
saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many
times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved
her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write
the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don’t have her. To feel that I’ve
lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And
the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my
love couldn’t keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That’s all. Far away,
someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring
her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not
with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were,
we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I
loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone
else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her
voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and
oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my
arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain
she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

Pablo
Neruda

i’m not gonna pretend i’ve been active in the political arena of the
philippines. i am what you call as a very passive citizen. however, when the
need arises, i always make sure i stand firm in being proud of where i come
from. the philippines is not a country beaming with power, but its history and
its people are more than enough to make a girl like me proud.

there are,
however, instances when i watch tv and realize that the heroes we’ve long been
proud of have totally disappeared from the political arena. there were people
who once showed me what being patriotic meant. these people shed blood just to
uplift the country and their fellowmen. these men and women have always had my
utmost respect.

it’s quite a shame because all i see around me now are people thirsty for power.
i see people hungry to keep their authority and wealth safe. they do this to the
extent of corruption and deception.

there are a few who still have it in
them. i only hope that time will lead them to the positions they truly deserve.

so anyway, why am i talking about politics? yesterday, another
catastrophe rocked our country. senator trillanes braved the traffic jam and the
pouring rain crying out for people to join him in bringing gloria macapagal
arroyo’s administration down. he ended up having a press conference in manila
peninsula. along with him were his supporters: gen. lim, two bishops, and some
lawyers. also within the hotel were media men. guests of the hotel were asked to
evacuate immediately just to ensure their safety.

as this happened, i could not help but ask why they had to resort to such an
act? do they honestly think that walking through the rain and paying people to
have rallies are better acts than helping the current administration in keeping
our country stable?

gloria arroyo may not be the most charming of
presidents but i believe that no other political figure can take on the
challenges our country is facing right now. i can’t help but ask why these
people cannot see the wonders she has done for our country. take a look at our
economy and see the difference that has been made by her regime. she has had
issues of corruption but in the world of politics, is there really a leader
without records of this?

at the end of the day, the administration took
total control of the situation. trillanes and his group surrendered and were
sent to jail. no marching bands/people ended up in the streets of makati.
instead, a curfew was sent out by our president. all is calm now. or is it?

i can only hope that people will begin to see their roles as filipinos. i agree
with one mayor who said that we keep searching for the best president. when will
we stop? why can’t we just set aside conflicting ideas just to make way for a
stable country?

i am yet to see the events that will unfold in the
succeeding days. on my end, i stand firm in my belief that this administration
should stay in power until we have our next elections.

cold, heartless liar
nothing on your mind but lies
you try, try, and
try
to get him to see otherwise

so what if his heart breaks?
you
ask, you cold heartless liar
all you want is to keep him close
and thus
from the truth afar

in shades of green you’re consumed
nothing else really matters
"it makes
the world go round," you said
and all for it, all else shatters

who am
i to you? you cold, heartless liar
but a woman in the way of a goal
just
one you desperately want to do away with
with others, against me you act as a
dhole

entrapped in this war i never wanted
i struggle against your
words
what am i left to do a thousand miles away?
but retaliate to your
tongues of swords

endless, endless are your lies
you’ll never stop, i know
you’ll break all
hearts and use just anyone
to bring down one you see as your foe

but
as you lie and as you try
to break the truth we hold
i’ll never stop, i’ll
never stop
knowing the truth shall be told

so go ahead and paint a
picture of your lies
just do what you do best
cold, heartless liar; don’t
you see?
him and i, we are and will still be abreast

mi find it awfully funny how my sachi knows how to divert my attention when i’m terribly upset with him.

me: how would you feel if it were you who were in my situation….
sachi: snores loudly and disappears! (lol)

me: how would you feel if it were you who were in my situation….
sachi: bursts into a loud singing voice and sings: "hit the road jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more…"

me: how would you feel if it were you who were in my situation….
sachi: honey, bati na tayo (struggles to say the words w/ his american accent), okay? dito ka lang. bati na tayo!

so tell me, how am i not supposed to forgive him when he breaks into these funny lines of his, huh? silly sachi!